On the night of Halloween, Patty and her friends decide to have a little fun and drive to an old, deserted house near a lake about 100 miles away from where they live. Patty was the kind of girl that loved to watch horror movies and never believed in the stories they told. But after tonight, that all changed. Around 7 o'clock is when her and her friends decided to head to the deserted lake house. There were 5 of them, so they only took one car. On the way there, 2 of her friends were already getting scared and started to have seconds thought about going, but Patty refused to turn around because she was already over half way there. When they arrived, it was around 8:30 and already dark. " You guys ready? " Patty asked as she excitedly made her way inside the house. They all planned to spend the night there because of how far they were and the time. As they were moving their bags inside the house, one of her friends, Alyssa, who was the most frightened one there, noticed something strange looking near the lake, like a man. She turned her head saying " I'm just imagining it, " but just to make sure, she turned back to see if he were still there, but he wasn't. She turned her head towards the house, and she saw him, making his way towards the back of the house. She paniced. She screamed everyones' name, but no response. She got even more scared, and screamed everyones' name again. Again, no one respond. She noticed that the car doors were locked, and she remembers hearing Patty dropping the keys on a table inside, but she didn't know which one or where. They didn't get the chance to light any candles yet, so the house was dark and quiet, making her scared even more.
As she walked inside the house, she could hear every single move she made. She walked about the house with her arms straight out, so she wouldn't walk into any walls. The first thing she came into contact with was a very dusty, rough, wooden rocking chair. She walked towards the left of the room and bumped into a table knee-high. As she bent over to touch the table, she heard a bang against a pan in the kitchen and began to feel the goose bumps rise to the surface of her skin. She turned around, attempting to see any movement in the dark room, but she could not see a thing. Frightened, she quickly searched for the keys on the table making fast, rapid movements of the hands hoping to find the keys in seconds. SHE FOUND THE KEYS! Relieved, she headed for the door like there was no tomorrow. Until, BANG! she tripped over one of the bags and fell face first to the floor. She looked to the left, and saw a man standing 20 feet away from her. Screaming, she got up off the floor and ran towards the open door as fast as she could. Five feet away from the door, her friends show up laughing and saying, " GOTCHA! ". She screamed in shocked, and grew a beautiful smile on her face as she said, " Omg, you guys. VERY FUNNY! ". Her friends flashed their flashlights towards the man behind her, and it was Patty's friend, Brian. Turns out, Patty arranged the whole thing, and was successful.
That is a very, very mean trick to play on somebody.
ReplyDeleteSo the events of the story make total sense and fit together just fine. But as far as sensory detail is concerned, I only get a few, in the first half of the second paragraph. There are the BEGINNINGS of some details that aren't really finished...for example, "she could hear every single move she made." What did those moves sound like? And when the goose bumps appear, WHERE do they appear?
See what I mean? There are plenty of opportunities to bring this cool story more to life... :)